its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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