Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
