sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Houston, we have a squirter
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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