you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
