I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Randomize
