I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
The ass gains better be worth it
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