My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
