I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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