I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
