You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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