So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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