so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
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Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
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We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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