she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize