She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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