I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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