I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
