I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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