You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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