Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
