I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It's official drugs can't kill me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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