is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
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Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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