I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
