booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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