The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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