I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
