I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Randomize
