I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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