I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
