Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
