remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
