DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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