im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
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Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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