i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
