I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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