my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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