I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
