This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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