Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
