just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
