can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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