Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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