We're facebook friends in real life
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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