I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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