I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
