i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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