The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
