How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
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I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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