I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
