I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
