Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
