2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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