oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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