At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
