my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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