i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
