Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
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Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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