meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Randomize
