My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
