I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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