u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
