They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
