Just mADE A PArabola og urine
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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