Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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